I'm in too deep with you, [entries|friends|calendar] Liss [ website | tumblr~* ] [ userinfo | insanejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | insanejournal calendar ]

[22 Jan 2012|12:21pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | "Glass Danse" by The Faint ] Sorry I haven't updated in a while... to the three people who actually read this, haha. I've been a little blah lately. I've been holed up in my room a lot and it's really no excuse anymore since I finally got myself a new computer. I haven't really been much of a social butterfly either. I haven't really wanted much to do with people, hah. Not exactly sure why I'm like this. Obviously part of it has to do with my aunt and I think the other part is the season. I always get like this in the winter. It sucks though, it's such a shitty feeling. Anywho. I have this new computer and an amazing Nook Tablet. I never leave the house without my Nook, I'm so in love with it. I've only bought the Hunger Games trilogy and various games on it so far since I'm not buying tons of books at a time. I don't really have that much money to do so, haha. I totally would if I could though! I'm so happy about my nook... it's made me start reading like a fiend again. I have a huge pile of books from the Christmas before last that I've barely made a dent in. I got a hundred dollars and left the bookstore with seventeen books and I've probably read three of them. Lame, I know. I used to read so much more. But I'm happy that I'm getting back into it again. I love a good book. I ended up getting a B in anatomy this semester!! How fucking awesome is that?!?! Pretty awesome compared to my D last year, haha. I got a B- in my online class which is weird since the last time I checked when class was still in session it was a B+. She probably didn't add something in until last minute since I did accidentally missed an exam, whoops. I'm taking a computer class and anatomy II this semester. I'm taking the computer class with Anthony and it's on Saturday at 8am to 12pm. Nothing angers me more than a class I've already taking not counting and having to get up super fucking early on a Saturday!! I took a computer class at Great Bay but it doesn't count at Northern Essex, alkdjghdflkjgfg. Anatomy II is going to suck since my anatomy teacher from this past semester didn't even finish the lesson and left out the majority of the most important chapter: the nervous system. I learned a lot more with her as a teacher than the one I had before her, but oh my God she sucked at teaching. My anatomy II teacher is listed as TBA and I'm nervous as fuck that it's going to be my first anatomy teacher. I wish I could have my last one again just because she'll know where I left off and would be lenient, but she's only teaching at the Lawrence campus... and I'm not driving forty-five minutes for an hour and a half class. Fuck that. My first anatomy teacher was an asshole and a shitty teacher on a whole different level. I really hope I don't get him again because then I know I'll fail. Wish me luck. :\ 3READ|COMMENT

[07 Dec 2011|12:50pm] [ mood | sick ] I didn't realize how long it's been since I've updated, haha. I've been pretty busy with everything that's going on. School ends soon and I'm actually not looking forward to it... I like staying occupied and going to school for a little while to get away from everything. My aunt's had appointments this Monday and today and results are Friday. The results will show if there's cancer anywhere else in her body, if the chemo's working, and possibly how long she has left. Not sure if I'm going to be working for the entire semester again or if I'm going to try to go to school still. Last year we thought she was going to die so that was why I worked all through spring semester. I think I might still go to school since I shouldn't put my life on hold. If the worst happens, I can always discuss options with my teachers. I think keeping occupied would help me. I am so fucking sick right now, I can barely stand being awake. I never get sick, haha. I have the worst headache, sinus pressure, stuffy nose, and a sore throat. My throat's better, it's just scratchy. I don't have a fever, I think the highest my temp has been is 99.9. My mom and step-dad went to this party last night until 11pm and I was babysitting Brandon. Mom told me not to take nyquil while she wasn't home in case anything happened and I was completely unconscious. So I was half alive on the couch watching Big Bang Theory (for the first time) for two hours... hours that I will never get back, haha. There was nothing on tv and no good movies onDemand. Thank God for nyquil though. I wish we had dayquil, but we don't. Sorry for the boring update. I'd write more but my attention span isn't so great when I'm sick. 2READ|COMMENT

[14 Oct 2011|10:17am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | "It's Nice to Know You Work Alone" by Silversun Pickups ] I am completely lost for words and have been since last night. My aunt's surgery went well and as far as the surgery went, she did great and is recovering nicely. Now, the surgery was because of this hole in her head that opened up due to an infection... I don't know all the details enough to try to summarize what caused it, so I'm going to leave that alone. A small portion of her skull was taken out. As a result of this, my aunt has to wear a helmet 24/7. On top of all this, she isn't able to get chemo treatments for five weeks and meanwhile the God damn tumors are already starting to grow (and quickly). The puking started the other night and I guess her lashing out is starting to come back too. It's so scary. I'm so worried about how she's going to react towards the helmet since they didn't want to tell her yesterday right after getting through surgery. She's already so self-conscious as it is, I can't imagine how devastating it's going to be for her. Shaving her head or having it fall out was always so hard for her and this is significantly worse. My mom explained it perfectly: If it was my mom who had to get the surgery, she'd be thankful to be alive but the helmet would be depressing, but she has a husband and children who love her no matter what. My aunt is thirty-one and has no boyfriend or husband or any kids - and can never have kids. I just hope she doesn't resent it so much that she ends up not wearing it for longer than they suggested and she ends up seriously injurying herself. I hope she takes it seriously. I've been so blah since last night and when I woke up this morning. There's nothing in me but anxiety and worry. I got a message from a friend last night who told me (for God knows why) that her and her boyfriend broke up. They've been going out for almost as long as Anthony and I. I almost have a twinge of sympathy for her, but I can't even find it in myself to care. Is that bad? I'm kind of done dealing with my friends break-ups for right now. I had to get my friend Craig through his while my grandfather was dying and auntie was just diagnosed with the new tumors. I barely cared, but as a best friend you have to care. I felt bad, but I had so much shit going on, comforting him CONSTANTLY was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I'll probably think and edit some nice "aww I'm sorry, sweetie" message and be done with it. I don't really feel bad since she's been telling me that she was kind of thinking about breaking up with him and all these crushes she has on other guys... not to mention she almost kissed one. I don't feel that bad. Anywho. I think that's about it. COMMENT

[11 Oct 2011|08:39pm] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | "Lights" by Ellie Goulding ] So, everything's kind of a clusterfuck right now. Auntie has surgery on Thursday because of a hole that has opened up on the side of her head. Something got infected and it started off as lumps, but it has opened up as a hole. You can see the metal clips that are there after the brain surgery she got last year. Not good. They have a "prep" day tomorrow so I'm staying home from work to help out and be home for Brandon. It's just one thing after another, you know? We get news that she has two more tumors on top of the one she already has, I find out my grandfather's dying and he dies two weeks later, and now this! Since my aunt's sick again, I am reduced to working only a day a week (barely) and am making practically nothing. I have a little more than a hundred dollars to my name and I'm supposed to be making a school payment at the end of the month - my mom is going to help me with that, which is good. It's just stressing me out. I'm trying to balance school, worrying about money, and worrying about my aunt. On a happier note, I'm doing so much better in Anatomy this time around. My teacher is so nice and actually tells us what's going to be on the tests. I got a 70% on the first exam (highest grade to that date ever accomplished in anatomy in my entire life) and a 80% on this last one! It's only a B- but it's still good! It was a difficult chapter, I'm surprised I would do so well. It helped a lot that I included every question on our practice test into my note cards... since she uses a lot of questions on our practice questions. I need a B+ to be able apply to get into the radiology program so I have to bust my ass. I already am... being all productive and actually studying. At least something's going right. 1READ|COMMENT

[28 Sep 2011|11:24pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | My Little Tragedy by Zeromancer ] Sooo, I should be in bed right now since I have to wake up at 6:45am, but I don't feel like laying there thinking about my day and start crying. My grandfather's funeral was today and oh my did it hit me all at once. My mom went with me. Since we didn't want to be the first ones there, we visited my grandmother's (my mom's mom) grave that was a minute away from the funeral home. We've been meaning to drop off a mini angel statue to put at her grave, but with everything going on we haven't been able to. We also cleaned up her grave a bit by pulling all the weeds that were growing in the flowers in front of it. I handled that well. I'm usually a mess in cemetaries... whether I'm visiting someone or not. They get me emotional. After that, we went to the funeral home and by then people were starting to show up. My dad almost didn't go - which was shitty of him. He didn't like my grandfather much, but he didn't have to go for him... to be there for my grandmother would be nice enough! Derek and I were starting to get pissed at him not showing up, but eventually he did. They set up a powerpoint of pictures in a room off to the visiting room. A lot of old pictures. Some had pictures of Derek and I in them with our grandfather. A little while after was the actual funeral part where everyone sits down and a guy from the hospice directed the ceremony. I didn't cry until poems were read and I couldn't distract myself by talking to people and laughing at memories. I'm glad my mom went since that side of the family sucks at comforting people. My dad wouldn't have held my hand. My grandmother probably would've, but she was up front. Derek probably wouldn't and he was in the back. My mom held my hand, which was nice. Everything came flooding back at once. I may not have been close to my grandfather for the past few years, but I was when i was younger. I'll never forget Derek and I forcing forcing his favorite chair upside down to check for spare change that would fall (and some that he planted there himself, I found out today) and we'd get like ten dollars each everytime. I just wish I knew the last time I saw him was going to be the last time... it would've been a proper goodbye. It was just a "See you later!" After all this, I almost feel closer to my grandmother, as surprising as it sounds. I just feel so bad for her. She's all alone in her condo now and thankfully Derek's been visiting a lot recently, but I don't think my dad does much. When my mom and I got home, she asked me if I was willing to give my grandmother another chance. She said we could invite her out to dinner sometime or have her over for dinner. I think it would make her really happy too. I don't know, I've just really surprised myself today. COMMENT

[24 Sep 2011|10:51pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Factory Girl by The Pretty Reckless ] My grandfather died yesterday. I got a facebook message from my grandmother the other night saying that he took a turn for the worse and was in hospice and could go at any time. My dad called me around noon yesterday telling me he died. My brother texted me this morning telling me that the funeral (no wake) will be on Wednesday and once he figures anything else out, he'll let me know. Nice to know that everyone's keeping me updated AFTER he dies. I could've visited him a lot more times than just once and only less than a week ago. I'm glad I did though, I probably would've regretted it. My mom's coming with me since she's known my grandfather longer than I have, obviously. But yeah, it just sucks. I haven't cried and I hope it does hit me at the wake because I've grown to really hate crying. It's irriating if I'm watching a sad scene in a movie, but when I'm actually sad I get fucking pissed. I hate it. I hold so much emotion in that when it finally comes out, it hurts and it takes forever for me to stop crying. Maybe I won't cry at all. Who knows. I went and saw the Lion King with my friends Craig, Jon, and Ben last night. Anthony was a party-pooper and didn't want to go. Well, it was mainly because he was borrowing his step-mom's car and couldn't keep it for that long... but I explained multiple different ways he could go and he still said no and went home. It was nice to finally get out of the house with friends considering the news I had got that morning and the news from last week about my auntie. It was awesome! I love that movie so much. I'm pretty sure it was the first movie that I ever saw in theaters when I was a kid too, so that's pretty cool. I cried when Mufasa died, but that scene is the most ridiculously sad scene in Disney history... even more sad than Bambi's mom getting shot, in my opinion. Disney likes to remind us oh so requently that our parents could die at any moment. 2READ|COMMENT

[21 Sep 2011|10:44pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | "This is What Rock and Roll Looks Like" by Porcelain Black ] Well, I visited my grandfather on Sunday. He was in an actual hospital because he has/had pneumonia. I think he's in another healthcare facility, but hey - no one in my fucking family on my dad's side tells me anything. Apparently my grandfather's been declining since the summer and no one's bothered saying a God damn thing to me about it. I talked to my brother's girlfriend/fiancee whatever the fuck she is and they've fucking known since it all started happening! They've known about him having cancer for a while! It's fucking bullshit!!! I don't even know what kind of fucking cancer he has, that is how little I know. My grandmother took my dad, me, my brother and his girlfriend/fiancee out for lunch to celebrate my dad's birthday and we (minus my dad) went to the hospital after to visit. It was scary, seeing him so weak and skinny. He's a skeleton and he speaks so softly and he mumbles, it's so hard to hear him. I don't think this will be the last time I see him though... which is good. My grandmother said that you could tell he was doing a lot better because of his personality... he started getting sarcastic and irritated with the nurses, which was hilarious. I feel so left out, you know? I know my dad doesn't like the guy, but damn, he could've given me a heads up. He doesn't know how I feel towards the guy, but you'd think his immediate reaction would be to let me know if I haven't been visiting the hospital, keeping contact with my grandmother, or is completely oblivious to everything happening!!! It just makes me mad. Friday was my auntie Sandy's three month check up to check if the tumor's grown or if there was cancer in any other parts of her body. Well, on top of the one she already has, she has two more. Not to mention the original isn't dormant anymore so that will probably start growing again soon. Her and my mom are going to Boston on Friday to plan out a treatment plan. This is not good. She's getting chemo therapy since if she does radiation again, she'll be a vegetable. She won't lose her hair with this chemo so that made her feel a little better - her hair just grew back in July from the radiation. It's just not fair. She's thirty-one and going through this. My grandfather is old and hasn't been sick for long...he's been with my grandmother forever and has kids. Sandy is single and can never have children. Not fair. She's been talking with my mom a lot and she's starting to grasp how bad everything really is. She doesn't think she'll be alive by 2012 and it's a possibility. And it fucking sucks. You know, this is the reason I took last semester off. She was given six months to a year to live and I took the semester off not knowing how she'd be doing. I wish I stayed in school last semester and took this semester off. My mom and I wanted to avoid going through this and trying to do well in school at the same time, but I guess it happened this way for a reason. I mean, luckily I'm only taking two classes and one is online... but I think if it came down to it, my anatomy teacher would be really helpful if I explained a situation and had to miss school for whatever reason. Not to mention I made a friend in that class and i'm sure he'd tell me anything I miss. Happier note? I went apple picking with my step-dad's mom and Brandon on Saturday. All I have been eating are apples (and I still manage to get sick!). We bought a dozen apple cidar donuts and fresh apple cidar and yah. The donuts were gone by morning since Brandon ate like five. I was going to save one for Anthony, but Brandon sucks. My grandmother's friend took us all out for dinner that night in Gloucester...we just went to a little sub shop. On the way there walking from the car, I was freezing my ass off because I suck at preparing myself for even colder weather than at home since Rockport and Gloucester are, duh!, by the ocean... so I went into this consignment store to find a jacket. I fell in love! I almost bought a beautiful "little black dress", but I found the self-control and walked away. I found a real leather jacket for $40... which was probably over a hundred dollars new. My grandmother helped pay which was awesome since I don't have much money to spend since I have a school payment coming up and didn't have much money in the bank at the time. I'm surprised in myself with how many television shows I'm getting into... or actually want to get into. I watched a bunch of them today! I watched Whitney, Up All Night (I saw the premiere, but I wanted my mom to watch it), New Girl, and 2 Broke Girls. Whitney and 2 Broke Girls are hilarious. I'm a little biased since I love Kat Dennings no matter what! Especially after her nudes leaked? Hello, I cannot deny her ever. I owe her my life for those photos getting leaked. New Girl is cute, but again I am biased since I love Zooey Deschanel. Up All Night is funny and cute... Will Arnet is hilarious. But I'm surprised! I never get into shows. I was forced to watch Dexter and unwillingly fell in love with it and I'm still trying to catch up. Anthony wants me to finish watching all five seasons before the new one starts in October... and we're in the middle of season three. I love It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and have for a while... but I am praying that it's better than last season since I was more disappointed than not. This is new for me! So yah. This is my life right now. Jealous? 2READ|COMMENT

[14 Sep 2011|06:58pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | My typing - switching between this and hw ] I've had a lot on my mind these last few days and I'm all over the place about things... and I need advice. On Sunday, my dad mentioned to me that my "grandfather" (a man my grandmother lives with and never married but they've been together since before I was born and I've always referred to him as Grandpa Ed) has cancer and is dying. Apparently he's at a hospital and they won't let him leave since he's lost a lot of weight and that hospice will be moving into their condo soon. Like I said, he mentioned it - like he was discussing the weather. It's not his dad, so he's not completely devastated about it; or he is, I don't know. My dad is a man of few words. But I don't know how the fuck I feel about this. If you've been my friend on here for a while and on greatestjournal, you may have realized how not close I am with my grandmother and grandfather on my dad's side. My grandmother has basically played favorites since I was a teenager always favoring my brother and I've always resented her for it. This is the woman who flew out to Texas to visit my brother when he was stationed there for the army but never bothered to visit me or ask to see me and just me... or almost refused to go to my graduation because her and Grandpa Ed had to sit in the auditorium since it was indoors and there weren't many seats in the gymnasium. Grandpa Ed drinks and smokes excessively... went to the wake of my father's uncle completely drunk and often liked to drive their boat drunk as well - and let little ten-year-old me steer sometimes when he would go get another beer. Not to mention these last few years I've felt really uncomfortable around him... he's just been the "creepy grandfather" type; it's hard to explain. Hearing about him dying is just weird for me. He's been looking older and more fragile for a while now, but he's always seemed like that person that would always be there. I cried a little(secretly) when my dad told me, but I honestly don't know how I feel. I haven't told my mom or texted my brother to see if my dad told him because I want some time to think. I haven't even told Anthony. My dad offered to bring me to see him soon and I really don't know about that. I don't know how to react or be in front of someone who is dying. I try to avoid putting myself in sad/depressing situations, but some part of me is telling myself that I should put that aside. It's mostly because that side of the family is not very close and has a hard time showing emotions and I get embarrassed showing any sort of sad emotion in front of them... I hide when there's a sad part in a movie my dad takes me to see, I cried after I left my great uncle's wake, etc. I don't even tell my dad when people/animals in my life die. I told him Whiskis died months after (mainly because I couldn't even look at a cat without bursting into tears for at least a month) and he was around when I got her. I briefly asked him if he heard about the teacher in Newburyport that was killed by her son back when I was in eighth grade... when he said yes, I said that that was my friend's mom. He called my mom later to ask if I was alright. I never told him that the soldier that died from East Kingston was a friend of mine's brother and that I had met him once. But I feel like the respectful thing to do would be to visit him. If I were dying, I'd hope my family would come visit me, even if they weren't too close or didn't like me very much - out of respect. I'm sure he'd appreciate seeing his granddaughter. I don't know. I might text my brother tonight and see what he wants to do and maybe I can go with him, it might make me feel better. I'd like some insight from people of what I should do. I'm completely floored with this one. Has anyone had to be around someone in hospice? Have you ever visited someone because you knew they were going to die? Or have you had to visit someone who was dying and didn't like them very much/weren't very close to (that you should be close to)? 2READ|COMMENT

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